And hilarity ensues

I love this blog: The Bloggess.

It is just like the craziness going on inside my own brain except really, really funny.

She had a post the other day about a swimsuit site that showed many tests for potential customers, such as jumping and fruit holding (don’t ask), and she commented that the real test of a swimsuit would be the following:

Like maybe a chick in a one-piece who looks exactly like me at her community pool leans over to see why her child’s ass seems to be exploding and then she realizes that her husband failed to put a swimming diaper on the kid and so now the diaper is soaking up all the pool water and expanding like a giant mushroom cloud and the kid is looking at you like “What the f*ck is happening to my junk?!” and you’re all, “Don’t panic! Walk slowly toward the bathroom!” but the kid is like “Pick me up! I’m being eaten by my diaper!” and so you do but then the pressure makes the diaper seams burst and now you’re covered with the gel stuff from inside the diaper, which, it turns out is like a bluish crystally-jelly and you’re repulsed and fascinated all at the same time and you run to the bathroom and the crystal-jelly stuff is leaking out behind you like a trail of breadcrumbs and the lifeguard is giving you the stink-eye and you finally get to the bathroom and the gel inside the diaper is continuing to expand and so as soon as you take off the kid’s suit the diaper rips open from the sheer internal pressure and lands with a splat and the jelly sprays all over everything and then your childless neighbor from down the street walks in and sees you bending over in the middle of the bathroom, splattered with diaper filling, trying desperately to use wads of brown paper towels to clean the probably cancerous crystal-jelly off a naked toddler and you try to smile at her like this is the sort of thing that happens all the time and you consider standing up to explain that this is all your husband’s fault but before you can straighten up your kid sees your boob perched precariously at the edge of your bathing suit and punches it and then it falls out of the top of your bathing suit. And then your neighbor rushes out of the bathroom and you want to scream at her, ”Don’t run from me! BEHOLD! THIS. IS. YOUR. FUTURE!”

Ah, the creepy innards of diapers. We had our own issues with them.

Charlie’s spilled open at the bottom of one of those big blow-up slides at Monkey Joe’s.

He popped out of the slide and landed in a pile of weird gel balls. “What is that?” I thought, as I carried him away, suspicious, curious and repulsed. It was only after we’d moved to another slide that I realized where the weird stuff had come from. Charlie’s butt. By then, I was way too embarrassed to tell the poor employees. I shamefully left it for the closing crew.

I should know by now that any parenting nightmare I’ve encountered has been one-upped by someone. Life does hand out small favors sometimes.

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One Response to “And hilarity ensues”

  1. Jenny, Bloggess Says:

    “It was only after we’d moved to another slide that I realized where the weird stuff had come from. Charlie’s butt.”

    Ha! Best phrasing ever.

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